No, not again.

I looked at the raindrops race down the large glass pane beside me while I waited for my coffee. The smell and warmth of brewing coffee filled the cafe, but the drizzle outside and the cold weather made the setting moody.

The waiter came by my table and served my cup of coffee, and as I looked up to thank him, I saw what took my breath away. My heart started to beat faster. I felt a sudden pang at the bottom of my heart. I sensed memories flood into my brain, and I started to feel dizzy, overloaded with emotions that came along with the memories.

My face flushed. The waiter must have noticed the discomfort, and he asked me if I was okay when he tried to look at what I had seen. He saw nothing different and returned a confused look. His question brought me back to sense (at least a little), and I answered him with a nod.

He bowed and left, still unsure. I bent my head down and tried to process what was happening, trying to stay unseen. I saw her at the table in front of me. The face that I should have forgotten long ago if not for the dreams and memories.

On a gloomy day like this, we told each other goodbyes hesitantly. The words from the day, 5 years ago, replayed in my head.

"Are you sure, Aaira?" I asked, hoping to fix things. My face was red from the fear of a lonesome life ahead.

"I think so", she replied in a shivering voice with tears in her eyes. Without waiting for a second, she turned back and left running, her shoulder quivering from her cries.

I wouldn't lie; I didn't stop her either.

The pain of missing her, the realisation of losing someone I knew for years, and the fact that the memories of days with her would mean nothing thereafter hit hard. It has been 5 years, and not a day has passed by without the thought of her.

But I stopped revisiting old memories because it felt like visiting a house after a hurricane; there's more pain than memories.

And it has been getting better with time. I have gotten used to thinking of her and still remain void of emotions. She has become like the childhood memory that you no more connect to; you just know that it happened.

But now, seeing her in person after long, every restrained emotion returned. All the feelings I had tried to shove deep inside, bounced back at me at once. A surge of anxiety, fear, sorrow, anger, joy and love. She looked both alien and familiar. It was too much to handle, and I had to keep reminding myself to breathe.

Seconds passed like hours, and my coffee remained hot.

I didn't want to be noticed.

I can't bear to have her wave at me like nothing happened, nor can I have her flinch at the sight of me. I want to push her away from me just as much as I want to hold her in my arms.

I had dreamed of eternity with her, not a single day, not a single cup of coffee.

I wanted to wake up, knowing she would be there beside me and not with a fear of losing her again.

I can't bear to meet her in the eyes, start a conversation, and spend the whole time afraid of it coming to an end.

I was afraid of separating again. It's like giving a man in death bed some more time to live. He would rather die than wait for death. It had taken me years to try to forget her, and I cannot trade it away for just 15 minutes with her.

I seek no temporary solaces.

I don't want a fresh hope of happiness only to be broken again.

My coffee had turned cold, and my head still remained low. I was waiting for her to leave. I heard her chair being dragged and let out a short sigh of relief, still staring at my cup of coffee. I felt her get up, and my breath began to slow down. I would forget this day, I would forget seeing her, I would forget her soon, I hoped.

"Aarav?" I heard the same shivering voice again, and my eyes instinctively responded to her.