When the Sun finally shines

I felt the monotony of the busy days dawn on me slowly, pushing me towards slacking and withering. I missed my old self so much and wondered if I could ever bring her back.

I have heard people say, "it's just a phase." I've told myself this but lost faith in it when 'the phase' seemed to prolong forever.

I wondered if I would spend my days slacking forever and if I could ever be happy and excited again.

Like I mentioned in my first blog, I am a person who thought there was always a single right answer to any question and a right way to do anything, the best solution to any problem.

I thought there would be one perfect day when the sun would be brighter and I would be reborn.

A day when I would start waking up early, eating healthily, being wise, working hard and smart all day, and going to sleep in peace.

And that I thought would continue every day after.

I'm not kidding when I say I really hoped for such a day. Looking back, it doesn't seem so foolish.

I waited for my internship in Chennai to end and for me to return to Thanjavur.

I waited for all my tours and trips to be over so that I could start afresh.

I waited for my birthday in December, thinking it would bring a new age and a new start.

I waited for the New Year to begin, with hopes of a "new year, new me."

You won't believe it if I say, I was even waiting to buy sticky notes so that I could have a to-do list on the wall to motivate me.

I finally got the sticky notes, but not the will.

Well, well, it was all just hopes and zero effort.

I wasn't ready to mentally push myself out of the slacking state.

It was hard.

I knew what was going wrong, but I was too lazy to push myself out of it. I was choosing to dwell in self-pity because it was easier than dusting off my pants and starting to work.

Found this quote by James Clear and I think this post resonates so much with it!

I know that it's not necessary to be successful, hardworking, productive, brilliant, smart, or everything the world expects you to be. But, you should be what you expect yourself to be.

If my mind had chosen to be happy with me being slack and settling for a 9-5 job, with happy weekends and hardworking weekdays, life would have been okay. But my mind kept wanting more. I thought I ought to be more.

Over the years, I've learned that it's not easy to make your brain settle for something less when it believes it deserves better. I was still not making any effort to be better, but I started observing myself and my mood. I wanted to see what made me happy because I thought I had lost interest in almost everything.

There were tiny sparks here and there. But not enough oxygen to ignite and burn.

There were days when I had to travel for work to Trichy and that gave me time to think. I was exposed to different kinds of people and fresh air, different from the usual.

I saw the sparks glow brighter this time. Every time I went out, I got a surge of motivation to write something amazing, to draw, to work, to build, and to do everything that I never had the confidence or urge to do before.

They would usually last until the travel and die out by the time I reached home. Even if a little life was left in it, I would kill it by taking a small nap once I came home. I would wake up and realize, “Well, yeah, back to being lazy.”

So I started hoping again. This time, it seemed more sensible, and I started believing. I was hoping that this would be the magical moment when the miracle shines its way through the clouds and hits me right on the head.

This time I was hoping to be a better person after the course at Auroville.

A day less than a week in Auroville.

And Yay, I think the sun did shine this time.

I got back my old self.